Kings Elliot may have written the most valuable 'life-perspective-changing' song you've heard in a long time.
We often talk about people's problems, insecurities and 'mental disorders' from a place of anger and resistance when their behavior hits us, or from a place of shame and guilt if we are the people that acted out in our moments of weakness and lapses of judgement.
In our desperate attempt to control pain in our lives, we push away, run from, or push down what we feel powerless over.
Our 'problems'; we think we can't share. Our 'insecurities'; we want to hide. Our 'mental issues'; we medicate with pills and try to get better on our own.
But what if those same 'problems', 'challenges', and 'mental issues' we try to avoid were actually the center, start and heart of everything that matters, and were the fuel for deepening relationships? What if instead of being ashamed of ourselves and pushing down our feelings we shared them openly and honestly treating them as a gift, not only for ourselves, but for the person we share them with?
You might wonder what that would even look like. Enter the comforting, vulnerable, intimate painting of trust and hope in Kings Elliot's 'Dancing Alone'.
Starting with just a piano, she takes our hand and walks us into her 'problematic' world in a special time signature - 3/4 - which stands for three quarter note beats per bar of music - better known as a 'Waltz'. The most famous 'Waltz' being of course The Blue Danube by Johann Strauss II.
In this world it's not heavy, dreary or 'problematic'. It's flowing like the dance - you can imagine the dance steps - down, up up, down up up - and there's an immediate feeling of calm.
Elliot immediately builds trust in the story with the first lyrical lines:
"Talked you through the steps how to pirouette when I lose control of myself Now you know the dance so well"
There's no hiding. There's an unspoken acceptance and kindness shown to herself expressed in her 'talking' her partner through what to do when her 'loss of control' happens. And a willingness to accept help. Kind of a big deal with the help thing.
She's giving the gift of giving by allowing herself to be helped. And she admits that she loses control of herself.
Pause. Amazing.
I don't know about you, but I don't take for granted how difficult it can be to admit that we are often not in control of our emotions. We may not even notice, but let's be honest, we usually want to think of ourselves (or actually think of ourselves) as having things all figured out, having the answers and being in control of our behavior. But how often do we lose control in rush hour traffic, or waiting in lines, or in frustrating moments with our significant other or children? We lose it every day and somehow think we are in control of our emotions. There's a humility and kindness in her admission.
Elliot continues to acknowledge her need for help and asks for it vulnerably and compassionately knowing she will hurt her helper - her partner. Notice in her reference to a moment where she loses control and acts out, it's refers to as a 'song', not an 'episode' or 'blow up' which can have connotations of resistance, avoidance or condemnation (judgement). Her tone and feel in the song is welcoming.
"When it starts, take me in your arms keep me there until the song is over Bruises on your shoulders..."
"...We'll adjust a bit too much And we will stumble from the stars to the gutter"
So what's going on here? How is she sharing her problems and not 'bringing us down' at all? "...we will stumble from the stars to the gutter"? These lyrics sound very close to that Eminem and Rihanna 'toxic' relationship song 'Love The Way You Lie' where it describes Eminem's struggle with the pain of having no control over his emotions and behavior in detail. Eminem is thoroughly honest and forthcoming with his innermost thoughts to the audience, but at the same time leaves the listener feeling there's no hope that the relationship can be sustainable unless he can 'figure things out' on his own.
So what's the difference between these two songs? These two views of problems?
Kings Elliot answers this with one question; what is life worth if only lived alone?
Why would virtues such as vulnerability, kindness, compassion and forgiveness be important if not for connection? What other way is there to put into practice these virtues than with our personal problems? Especially and overall to ourselves to connect to our hearts. How would vulnerability exist without a problem that we are afraid to share for fear of judgement? The other virtues shine when there are problems as well.
The truth is, in not valuing our problems, we push away our most valuable asset to connect. To whom? Ourselves and everyone around us that make our life worth living. Problems connect us all, we all have them, we just need to practice what Elliot so beautifully sings.
"'Cause spinning us 'round 'til we both hit the ground is the only move I know But fallin' together is better than dancin' alone"
If you'd like to get to know more about Kings Elliot, there's a great interview here
Our YouTube channel has her song as part of a playlist there and the full lyrics are below:
LYRICS - Dancing Alone - Kings Elliot
Talked you through the steps how to pirouette when I lose control of myself Now you know the dance so well When it starts, take me in your arms keep me there until the song is over Bruises on your shoulders
Oh, it's hard when it's dark To even put one foot in front of the other We'll adjust a bit too much And we will stumble from the stars to the gutter
'Cause spinning us 'round 'til we both hit the ground is the only move I know But fallin' together is better than dancin' alone
Followed where I led, walked you to the edge now my legs are turnin' to stone Could you carry me home? Would you stay up late, take on all the weight Keep our balance when you know it's not fair Say you're goin' nowhere?
Oh, it's hard when it's dark To even put one foot in front of the other We'll adjust but not enough And we will stumble on like faltering lovers
'Cause spinning us 'round 'til we both hit the ground is the only move I know But fallin' together is better than dancin' alone
'Cause spinning us 'round 'Til we both hit the ground Is the only move I know But fallin' together is better than dancin' alone
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