Yes I Do - Evan Sternbach
To me the job of a song is really only one thing: to touch and move the listener to feel emotions. Preferably emotions they want to feel or connect with! How this is done is through a message. If the message is clear and it reveals a truth (even if it's just your truth) that we the listener didn't know or makes us connect to you (the singer) more, then the songwriter has done their job and it will make an impact emotion-wise.
How you make your impact through your message is up to you and that's where it gets creative!
I'm focusing on your lyrics because I found your melody, message and everything really cool so that makes this a lot more simple.
Your melody harmonizes really well with the 6, 4, 1, 5 chord progression.
OK so your lyrics are as so:
Spinning around a lot lately
You've been running marathons
Cuz I can't get you off my mind
If I just heard these lyrics alone - as a songwriter - I'm asking you what you wanted to say here because these lines have been used so often - 'can't get you out of my mind' - is a song from Kylie Minogue. So there are tonnes of songs like this and they are all talking about crushing on someone but the title of your song and the message of your song doesn't seem to be saying that. (or maybe you are?) I'm unclear and it doesn't seem believable, I'm really wanting something concrete to latch onto about this girl and what she's doing that's making her stay on your mind.
Did you write the melody first and then add the lyrics after? (just curious)
And there are
When we don't see eye to eye
But I get so lost in yours at night
No I can't get you out of my
Can't get you out of my sight
Now you say that you fight on some days but then when you're fighting you aren't really listening cause you are too busy crushing on her? That's the way I take it when you say 'But I get so lost in yours at night'. This is where I think if I was the girl I'd be doubting you a lot. Are you into me or just my looks? Are you interested in me or just getting in my pants? I know this might sound maybe a little exaggerated but those are my honest thoughts on the lyrics. I think if you're trying to send a message to this girl you need to say something that's UNIQUE to her. Something that SHOWS that you are listening to her and you notice the person she is and not just a concept of who you think she could be for you or who you think she is.
Only eight letters, three words but I
Feel them so strong it almost hurts
It doesn't always gotta be a competition, but
If we're keeping score
I love you more
I get that you want to have this playful back and forth here kind of like 'I love you' - no - 'I love you more' type game - at least that's what I think you want to say. But you just said that you argue with her in your last stanza so that made me take you more seriously. To me at this point I'm really unclear as to what exactly you are trying to say or more importantly what you wanting this girl to feel from you. Do you want her to honestly think you love her more than she loves you? Cause the melody sounds so serious. That's what the melody is saying. How's that ever going to work out? And how can you ever know? It sounds like an argument more than a playful statement to get her to 'one up' you - which I think is cute - but then the melody is totally melancholy here.
Are you following me here? 🙂
Yes I Do
And you can tell me a hundred times
That it ain't true
But the way that these butterflies jump out of my chest
There's no second guess
Baby Yes I Do
I do, I do, I do
Baby Yes I Do
Here by repeating yes I do, yes I do, I get the feeling I should really be on your side here but as I said - I don't think this is a fight - you're actually wanting to just get this girl to play with you and say no 'I do' correct? If I'm wrong - that's also very good feedback as that shows you how unclear this is. As a listener here I'm really at a loss of what is going on and it seems totally overstated like you ran out of lyrics to write and you just repeated yourself to fill it in. If that's what you did - no worries (we've all been guilty of this!) - that's why I'm giving you feedback to redo the song, fix it and make this song a hit for yourself!
There's nothing we should be afraid of
But I've never really been in love
So are we gonna take our time
Or are we diving right in
I think we'll be fine
This sounds to me like another song idea. What does this have to do with you loving her more? Stay focused! 🙂 Nothing we should be afraid of, but you've never been in love? That doesn't make me feel safe if I'm the girl you're singing to (the listener POV). Are we gonna take our time or are we going to dive right in? You don't sound confident with what you want, which goes totally against what you were saying in the first verse.
This is what I was referring to in 'pushing the girl away' if I was the girl listening.
The only thing I know for sure
Is how I feel and what I'm
I don't wanna be the one to let the one walk away
Without saying what I need to say - now you say you're sure. This makes no sense. And you're fighting for something? Aaah I'm confused!! 🙂 You're trying to say too much - I think you have at least 3 song ideas in this song alone.